It's only mine because it holds my suitcase.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

A treatsie on the alphabetic principle

I take it you already know,
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead - it’s said like bed, not bead,
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it ‘deed’!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up – and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go and thwart and cart –
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Why man alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.

(Anonymous, via Wikipedia)

Friday, August 15, 2008


Vivian, after a period of relative sanity during which she reminisced about her first cat and researched solar power companies, is off her meds again. See, Viv (I can call you Viv, right?) is of the opinion that she is still the rightful owner of the house from which she was evicted in April. She bases this belief on her conviction that the eviction proceedings were illegal and having sent the real estate agent (Earl) a check for 41 cents when the house was placed on the market after she was removed. So now she's upset again

Every time I drive past the Coventry home to which I hold title, I observe a car parked in the driveway. Its driver trespassed upon the property. So there is no point in asking who the owner is, because s/he knows I will prosecute.

I find its position in front of the garage door very annoying and don’t want to see it anymore. So if there is anyone who would like a free car, please help yourself.

She then goes on to theorize about which police officer - she knows them all - should arrest the trespasser currently living in her house

But the arresting officer should not be someone who tried to penetrate Linda St. Pierre after my garage door irritated her vagina. This would be a conflict of interest.

To my knowledge, three members of the Coventry Police Department are possible candidates for this assignment: Sargeant Ochtera, Lieutenant Solenski, and Officer Judy. I recommend the last.

Don't ask. Just don't ask. I've gone through her entire confusing, bizarre, and outright disturbing site and can't for the life of me work out what the garage door thing is about.

Meanwhile, in a different corner of whathefrakville, our good friend and mormon rapist Joyce Mckinney is in the news again. It would appear that her decision to go public with her cloned dogs wasn't of necessity the wisest. Especially since she's currently wanted for skipping bail - this is not a repeat - on suspicion of "criminal conspiracy to commit aggravated burglary and contributing to the delinquency of a minor". More precisely, she was arrested in Tennessee in 2004 for instructing a fifteen year old boy to burglarize a house so that she could use the proceeds to finance the purchase of a prosthetic leg for her three legged horse.

Go back and read that last bit again. You know you want to. I'll leave you with this priceless quote from her lawyer:
There was a strong aroma about her, and I told her this needed to be taken care of before I went to court with her.

Quite so

Thursday, August 14, 2008

My head is spinning. . .but Earth isn't.

Well, in their favor, they're not quite as insane as the flat-earthers, but as deadenders go, they're right up there with the young earth creationists and the confederation revivalists. Allow me to introduce you to what wikipedia diplomatically calls modern geocentrists.

These fine people are of the opinion that the earth is suspended by magnets like a cheap office tchotchke.

"An electromagnet and computerized sensor hidden in its
display stand cause the Earth to levitate motionlessly in the air."
Could God have engineered something like that for the real Earth?
The Bible and all real evidence confirms that this is precisely what He did, and indeed:
The Earth is not rotating...nor is it going around the sun.
The universe is not one ten trillionth the size we are told.
Today’s cosmology fulfills an anti-Bible religious plan disguised as "science".
The whole scheme from Copernicanism to Big Bangism is a factless lie.
Those lies have planted the Truth-killing virus of evolutionism
in every aspect of man’s "knowledge" about the Universe, the
Earth, and Himself.
Take your time.
Check it all out.
Decide for yourself.*

Bonus points for big bangism. I'll give them that. Of course, those silly little magnetic suspended earths don't actually hang motionless. Also, taking a telescope to one of the poles should disprove the earth-as-a-giant-office-toy theory fairly conclusively. The site does, however, feature many exclamation marks. And we all know that exclamation marks == truth;

Although the geocentrists themselves aren't really up to the challenge of explaining their pet theories, wikipedia takes a stab at it:

Some geocentrists believe that the difficulties in the types of theories discussed above can be overcome by rejecting some of the assumptions that were implicitly made in that discussion. In particular, some geocentrists believe that the universe is very much smaller than the billions of light years calculated by modern scientists. A detailed theory of this sort is not available, so its plausibility and freedom from internal contradictions cannot be evaluated here.

Okay, so I'll make an admission here. The geocentrists are, in a sense, right. The universe has no absolute frame of reference, but you're free to choose one yourself, I suppose. From the perspective of the moon, earth is indeed the center of the universe. Even Star Trek agrees, to a point.

That doesn't mean these people aren't fruitier than a gay pineapple. It just means that they are, almost entirely by accident, not completely and utterly wrong. And beside, how can you not mock these people? Niall Kilkenny, proprietor of the highly regarded, referenced above, "just planned on doing a few brief articles on the Wonders of Bible Chronology. However the site just grew and grew until now it contains over 500MB's of Christ exalting, Rome busting information." Gee. Thanks Niall, or should I call you Champion of the Congregation of St. Candice? After all, he's related to "saint" Anne Boleyn. Or something. I guess that if god lets you declare the Earth stationary and immovable, you also get to canonize saints. It's like a divine twofer.

Where was I? Oh, right. The "logic" required to come to the conclusion that Earth is the stationary center of the universe. Here's a beautiful example; geostationary satellites.

"The elevated temperature of the sun causes it to transmit a high-level electrical noise signal to receiving systems whenever it passes behind the satellite and comes within the beams of the receiver antennas. [. . .] This is obviously very embarrassing to the heliocentric people because the sun is not supposed to move. The sun does move however, and twice a year it is over the equator.

Okay, Geocentrism one, Heliocentrism zero. Or something. Worst false dichotomy ever. "If you're against my idiotic concept, you must believe that the sun is at the center of the universe." Of course, what the dullard forgets to mention is that if the earth was stationary, geostationary satellites would plummet straight down to the ground.

I could go on about these nutjobs for hours, but I won't. Instead I'll leave you with this mind boggling ad-hominem directed at none other then Napoleon himself.

There is a definite conflict of interest in this Napoleon sponsored experiment to prove that the earth is turning....It might be a "coincidence" but the future emperor Napoleon was born on the island of Corsica in 1769. That was just 2 years after the Jesuits were dumped on that island when Pope Clement banned them with a perpetual decree never to be rescinded.

*: It should be noted that loonies commonly write paragraphs like this centered, with a different font, color, and size for each line, presumably as a way to project authority. Or mad HTML skillz. Either way, I've chosen not to reproduce the phenomenon

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Torchwood to save earth from CERN

The BBC will broadcast, on the occasion of the activation of CERN's Large Hadron Collider, a special radio episode of Torchwood on September tenth. They're calling it "Big Bang Day".

Torchwood set for 'Big Bang' day

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Cloned dogs and mormon rape - this story's got it all.

Mary pretty much nailed it when she mailed me this
this sooooooooooooo has to go on your page as ridiculously beyond high on the WTF meter! Really WTF?

So, a woman has her dead bulldog, incidentally named "Booger" cloned. This makes the news, and a picture of her, looking fairly insane, is published. This picture looks remarkably like Joyce McKinney, who, due to stand trial for kidnapping and then raping her erstwhile mormon lover in 1977, jumped bail by "donning a red wig and disguising herself as a member of a mime troupe". After fleeing Britain in 1978, Miss McKinney spent five weeks in hiding then resurfaced at the Hilton Hotel in Atlanta, Georgia, dressed as a nun. In the 1980s, she was arrested near Salt Lake City airport, where Mr Anderson worked, for allegedly harassing him. A rope and handcuffs were in her car.

Oh, and as if this weren't odd enough a story on its own, she was once Miss Wyoming. At least all the news outlets are parroting that facoid. According to Wikipedia, however, she wasn't.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

My new favorite site

Retro Thing is my new favorite site. Vintage gadgetry and the anoraks who hack it. What more could you ask for? Oh - right - Tardisses!