This one probably needs help

My ongoing fascination with the nutjobs that roam free across the intarnets led me to Vivian here. I mean, she's nuttier than a packet of mixed nuts, and that's sad. But also hilarious. I only wish she had a real blog rather than a copy of frontpage.

It's hard to know where to start - on her index page she spins a fascinating tale of immigration agents at Heathrow trying to poison her asthma inhaler, weaving colleagues and acquaintances, politicians, and movie stars into a fascinating tale with her at the center.

The issues involving Prince William's demand of me to return to London are much more emotionally complicated. An admission that an investigation was necessary, could have led to the necessity that he must pay for my flight--his worst nightmare. He sends grapevine subliminal messages through friends and co-workers attempting to lure me with jewelry and other luxuries, while reminding me repeatedly that in five years I will be forty-years-old--over the reproductive hill. His pre-impregnation demand is that I tolerate his inability to handle my obtaining one of the jobs I have been offered in my field of anthropology. For me to obtain such status would threaten his masculinity. Because I do not accept his impregnation-prerequisites, I have been called a child-hater. He is unable to relate to me and to converse with me in any way. He insists I must chase after him. I prefer to go to work. He therefore classifies me as someone who places career before family. He believes he is doing me a favor by giving me this wonderful opportunity.

Attempted poisoning is an ongoing theme with Vivian. Recently an FBI agent broke into her house (it's okay, he does that all the time. Sometimes he moves small items, sometimes he rearranges her bathroom, and sometimes he has sex with her), and poisoned her Pepsi.

10:20 pm EST
Dear Ms. You-Know-Who-You-Are;
You have until midnight Eastern-Standard-Time to turn yourself into the FBI and explain:
WHO sent you to poison my Pepsi last night,
WHAT the poison was,
WHERE you are from,
WHEN you received the assignment &
HOW MUCH you were paid.
And the next time you trespass into my bedroom, I will spit my disease into your eyes.
[. . .]
The poison induced a heart attack. I remedied it with Solaray's Tart Cherry, Econugenics' Padma, and two birth control (i.e., estrogen) pills.

So that's how you cure a heart attack, huh? Good to know.

Subliminal messages are a recurring theme as well, with frequent messages from Donald Trump (who ruined her book deal with a vanity publisher), David Duchovny, (who has AIDS and cannot attain an erection without Vivian's subliminal help), and her dead mother:

Dear Mother;

I received your message--a file named GrandpaBo on my computer, with two images of a rectangle. These, of course, resemble the shape of the frame I selected for representation of the book written about Grandpa's lifetime of research as a urological surgeon.

[. . .]

I will try to finish it in time for Mother's Day.

Just when you think it's all yuks, you get to the good stuff - she spent most of 2007 fighting agains eviction, choosing, of course, to represent hereself, and basing her entire legal defense on the premise that the lawyers representing the plaintiff were doing so without the plaintiff's knowledge. We can all guess how that ended.

Monday April 07, 2008
I lost and have been given 41 hours to leave.
My father has suddenly turned into my hero. Helping me long distance.
My computer is going into storage. I don't know when I am going to begin transmitting again.

As I read this I start to feel sorry for the poor woman. Almost.

Guaranteed Presidential Pardon
for anyone who decides to follow
Biblical directive on
any non-human who practices Wicca.
In the pre-pardon proceedings of Court,
prosecutors can only invoke
the laws which prohibit
cruelty to animals.

Did I mention she's running for president? This is her campaign platform.

We've all seen this, right?

I mean, I assumed that the whole world has now seen this clip, but it's come to my attention that this may not be the case. So here you go: Discovery's "I Love the Whole World" promo, featuring Stephen Hawking:

Just Words. My words though.

So I'm reading a review of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, because my other option would be to actually do some work, and we mustn't let that happen, and I run across a line that seems vaguely familiar.

[. . .] it’s a tragicomic musical in three acts produced and directed by Joss Whedon

Why familiar? I wrote it, as an introduction for the Wikipedia entry, replacing the original, far less legible version. The writer grabbed some more background stuff from Wikipedia, which is fine, mind you; that's what Wikipedia is for - it's just a bit strange to see your own words bounced back at you at such an unexpected angle.

They probably believe that the turtle moves, as well.

In my ongoing series extolling the biggest idiots on the intarwebs - or rather the most amusing ones, I give you the the International Flat Earth Research Society. These ones are right nutters. Unfortunately their founder, Charles Johnson, passed away about a decade ago, and the society hasn't been quite the same since. TalkOrigins has an interesting article which features the almost obligatory denouncement of science in general, and in the most up-is-down and black-is-white fashion possible:

We maintain that what is called 'Science' today and 'scientists' consist of the same old gang of witch doctors, sorcerers, tellers of tales, the 'Priest-Entertainers' for the common people. 'Science' consists of a weird, way-out occult concoction of jibberish theory-theology...unrelated to the real world of facts, technology and inventions, tall buildings and fast cars, airplanes and other Real and Good things in life; technology is not in any way related to the web of idiotic scientific theory. ALL inventors have been anti-science.

They've got some good theories, too. Of course, gravity doesn't exist, cuz a flat earth has no mass (or something). But why don't we fall off the planet? Thank you for asking. The answer is obvious, of course - we're accelerating upwards at 9.8 m/s^2, and have been forever*. They're not quite clear on why, of course. God, probably. Of course, they base their - interesting - ideas on what they consider to be a literal interpretation of the bible.

I sometimes call myself the Last Iconclast. Science is a false religion, the opium of the masses. I myself count it as a begining of Sanity to confess 'the creation proves there was a Creator' so a God or Creator...Exists. From a life-time of study, of seeking out a proving things, from the study of 6,000 years of recorded history, from observation, from experience, from Common Sense Observation, have concluded the 10 Commandments are in fact good Laws of Living and Behavior for oneself and all in contact with you.

Of course, it's commonly known that, until the end of the middle ages, the earth was widely considered to be flat. That's a lie. The earth has been known to be a sphere since the sixth century BC and even throughout the middle ages, when so much knowledge was lost, the earth was known to be round.

* 6000 years**

** At which rate we're now going six thousand, one hundred and eighty-five times the speed of light. Up yours, Einstein.

Doctor Horrible is full of win

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is exceedingly awesome. If the name itself isn't enough to convince you, please consider the following: It's a musical in three acts about a blogging supervillian wannabe, distributed exclusively over the internets.

The great equalizer

One of my favorite side effects of the internet is that it gives the loonies and the nutjobs and the schizophrenics and the outright wrong the same platform it gives the sane. Allow me to introduce you to Gene Ray and his amazing Time Cube. I'd explain it to you, but that would involve it being explainable. Allow me to quote, instead:

-1 * -1= +1 is WRONG, it is academic stupidity and is evil. The educated stupid should acknowledge the natural antipodes of +1 * +1 = +1 and -1 * -1 = -1 exist as plus and minus values of opposite creation - depicted by opposite sexes and opposite hemispheres.

When the theory you're about to read requires that you accept an entirely new concept of math, you know you're in for a ride. It gets better though.

When the Sun shines upon Earth, 2 - major Time points are created on opposite sides of Earth - known as Midday and Midnight. Where the 2 major Time forces join, synergy creates 2 new minor Time points we recognize as Sunup and Sundown. The 4-equidistant Time points can be considered as Time Square imprinted upon the circle of Earth. In a single rotation of the Earth sphere, each Time corner point rotates through the other 3-corner Time points, thus creating 16 corners, 96 hours and 4-simultaneous 24 hour Days within a single rotation of Earth - equated to a Higher Order of Life Time Cube.

Go on - check it out. You know you want to.

Santa on Santa Violence on the Rise

When Santas fight, we all win! The Amalgamated order of Real Bearded Santas is on the defense as the Red Suit Society and the Fraternal Order of Santas try to muscle in on its turf. The chairman fears for his life and has instructed his family, "that, if anyone looks like Santa, run."

My fork is, apparently, nutritious and delicious

The cafetaria at my office recently introduced new cutlery. In and of itself, this is exactly the kind of useless, tripe, and pedantic news you'd expect some nobody to post on his blog just to fill up space.

Fuck

No. Wait. There's more. See, this cutlery is different. It's hard to tell why. It's a bit thicker than normal disposable cutlery, and matte - feels a bit rough. So I'm idly examining it while I wait for the clock to hit five when I discover that the words "made from plants" are embossed on the thing. Turns out they are - potato starch, to be exact, mixed with soy oil. Not only are they biodegradable, they're apparently actually compostable and, in theory, at least, even edible. I may have to give actually eating one a miss until they come up with a salt and vinegar version.

There is no such thing as too much Futurama