Jonathan is my hero

The world's oldest turtle is 176, but

Despite his old age, locals say he still has the energy to regularly mate with the three younger females.

You da man, Jonathan!

It's funny because it sounds like boobs

Introducing the Tiddy Bear:



It's real. I called the number and a Jamaican woman tried to take my order. We're all doomed.

More dissected lenses

I guess it's kind of a thing, but I never cease to be amazed by the complexity and mechanical grace of lenses. This is a disassembled 17-85mm lens for a DSLR. This is rather more what the average consumer would expect the item to look like.

Many more pretty pictures here.

It would appear that the future has finally arrived

While I was waiting for tacos last week, I caught a glimpse of the future, directly overhead. It's a zeppelin that recently went into service from Moffet Field - which is oddly appropriate. Hangar One was originally made for a zeppelin.

Oh, did I mention that thirty minute trips go for five hundred a pop? Bit rich for my blood.

It's about time

In celebration of the 21st anniversary of cult sci-fi comedy series Red Dwarf, creator Doug Naylor has announced that TV’s favourite spaced out smeg heads will be returning to the small screen for four special breakout episodes.

Huh, what? How did I miss this?

The shows will broadcast in 2009, and if successful, could open the door for more Red Dwarf TV projects.

Linky

North Korean video arcade

Yeah. It's as bad as you think it is. You should probably ignore the pithy commentary and just let the pictures sink in.

This kid is going to be so traumatized

Somewhere out there, some poor kid is going to go trick or treating in a wall-e costume. Pictures will be taken, videos will be posted to youtube. A new meme will be born, and the kid will be scarred for life. You just mark my words.

A treatsie on the alphabetic principle

I take it you already know,
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead - it’s said like bed, not bead,
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it ‘deed’!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up – and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go and thwart and cart –
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Why man alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.

(Anonymous, via Wikipedia)

Followups

Vivian, after a period of relative sanity during which she reminisced about her first cat and researched solar power companies, is off her meds again. See, Viv (I can call you Viv, right?) is of the opinion that she is still the rightful owner of the house from which she was evicted in April. She bases this belief on her conviction that the eviction proceedings were illegal and having sent the real estate agent (Earl) a check for 41 cents when the house was placed on the market after she was removed. So now she's upset again

Every time I drive past the Coventry home to which I hold title, I observe a car parked in the driveway. Its driver trespassed upon the property. So there is no point in asking who the owner is, because s/he knows I will prosecute.

I find its position in front of the garage door very annoying and don’t want to see it anymore. So if there is anyone who would like a free car, please help yourself.

She then goes on to theorize about which police officer - she knows them all - should arrest the trespasser currently living in her house

But the arresting officer should not be someone who tried to penetrate Linda St. Pierre after my garage door irritated her vagina. This would be a conflict of interest.

To my knowledge, three members of the Coventry Police Department are possible candidates for this assignment: Sargeant Ochtera, Lieutenant Solenski, and Officer Judy. I recommend the last.

Don't ask. Just don't ask. I've gone through her entire confusing, bizarre, and outright disturbing site and can't for the life of me work out what the garage door thing is about.

Meanwhile, in a different corner of whathefrakville, our good friend and mormon rapist Joyce Mckinney is in the news again. It would appear that her decision to go public with her cloned dogs wasn't of necessity the wisest. Especially since she's currently wanted for skipping bail - this is not a repeat - on suspicion of "criminal conspiracy to commit aggravated burglary and contributing to the delinquency of a minor". More precisely, she was arrested in Tennessee in 2004 for instructing a fifteen year old boy to burglarize a house so that she could use the proceeds to finance the purchase of a prosthetic leg for her three legged horse.

Go back and read that last bit again. You know you want to. I'll leave you with this priceless quote from her lawyer:

There was a strong aroma about her, and I told her this needed to be taken care of before I went to court with her.

Quite so

My head is spinning. . .but Earth isn't.

Well, in their favor, they're not quite as insane as the flat-earthers, but as deadenders go, they're right up there with the young earth creationists and the confederation revivalists. Allow me to introduce you to what wikipedia diplomatically calls modern geocentrists.

These fine people are of the opinion that the earth is suspended by magnets like a cheap office tchotchke.

"An electromagnet and computerized sensor hidden in its
display stand cause the Earth to levitate motionlessly in the air."
Could God have engineered something like that for the real Earth?
The Bible and all real evidence confirms that this is precisely what He did, and indeed:
The Earth is not rotating...nor is it going around the sun.
The universe is not one ten trillionth the size we are told.
Today’s cosmology fulfills an anti-Bible religious plan disguised as "science".
The whole scheme from Copernicanism to Big Bangism is a factless lie.
Those lies have planted the Truth-killing virus of evolutionism
in every aspect of man’s "knowledge" about the Universe, the
Earth, and Himself.
Take your time.
Check it all out.
Decide for yourself.*

Bonus points for big bangism. I'll give them that. Of course, those silly little magnetic suspended earths don't actually hang motionless. Also, taking a telescope to one of the poles should disprove the earth-as-a-giant-office-toy theory fairly conclusively. The site does, however, feature many exclamation marks. And we all know that exclamation marks == truth;

Although the geocentrists themselves aren't really up to the challenge of explaining their pet theories, wikipedia takes a stab at it:

Some geocentrists believe that the difficulties in the types of theories discussed above can be overcome by rejecting some of the assumptions that were implicitly made in that discussion. In particular, some geocentrists believe that the universe is very much smaller than the billions of light years calculated by modern scientists. A detailed theory of this sort is not available, so its plausibility and freedom from internal contradictions cannot be evaluated here.

Okay, so I'll make an admission here. The geocentrists are, in a sense, right. The universe has no absolute frame of reference, but you're free to choose one yourself, I suppose. From the perspective of the moon, earth is indeed the center of the universe. Even Star Trek agrees, to a point.

That doesn't mean these people aren't fruitier than a gay pineapple. It just means that they are, almost entirely by accident, not completely and utterly wrong. And beside, how can you not mock these people? Niall Kilkenny, proprietor of the highly regarded reformation.org, referenced above, "just planned on doing a few brief articles on the Wonders of Bible Chronology. However the site just grew and grew until now it contains over 500MB's of Christ exalting, Rome busting information." Gee. Thanks Niall, or should I call you Champion of the Congregation of St. Candice? After all, he's related to "saint" Anne Boleyn. Or something. I guess that if god lets you declare the Earth stationary and immovable, you also get to canonize saints. It's like a divine twofer.

Where was I? Oh, right. The "logic" required to come to the conclusion that Earth is the stationary center of the universe. Here's a beautiful example; geostationary satellites.

"The elevated temperature of the sun causes it to transmit a high-level electrical noise signal to receiving systems whenever it passes behind the satellite and comes within the beams of the receiver antennas. [. . .] This is obviously very embarrassing to the heliocentric people because the sun is not supposed to move. The sun does move however, and twice a year it is over the equator.

Okay, Geocentrism one, Heliocentrism zero. Or something. Worst false dichotomy ever. "If you're against my idiotic concept, you must believe that the sun is at the center of the universe." Of course, what the dullard forgets to mention is that if the earth was stationary, geostationary satellites would plummet straight down to the ground.

I could go on about these nutjobs for hours, but I won't. Instead I'll leave you with this mind boggling ad-hominem directed at none other then Napoleon himself.

There is a definite conflict of interest in this Napoleon sponsored experiment to prove that the earth is turning....It might be a "coincidence" but the future emperor Napoleon was born on the island of Corsica in 1769. That was just 2 years after the Jesuits were dumped on that island when Pope Clement banned them with a perpetual decree never to be rescinded.

*: It should be noted that loonies commonly write paragraphs like this centered, with a different font, color, and size for each line, presumably as a way to project authority. Or mad HTML skillz. Either way, I've chosen not to reproduce the phenomenon

Torchwood to save earth from CERN

The BBC will broadcast, on the occasion of the activation of CERN's Large Hadron Collider, a special radio episode of Torchwood on September tenth. They're calling it "Big Bang Day".

Torchwood set for 'Big Bang' day

Cloned dogs and mormon rape - this story's got it all.

Mary pretty much nailed it when she mailed me this

this sooooooooooooo has to go on your page as ridiculously beyond high on the WTF meter! Really WTF?

So, a woman has her dead bulldog, incidentally named "Booger" cloned. This makes the news, and a picture of her, looking fairly insane, is published. This picture looks remarkably like Joyce McKinney, who, due to stand trial for kidnapping and then raping her erstwhile mormon lover in 1977, jumped bail by "donning a red wig and disguising herself as a member of a mime troupe". After fleeing Britain in 1978, Miss McKinney spent five weeks in hiding then resurfaced at the Hilton Hotel in Atlanta, Georgia, dressed as a nun. In the 1980s, she was arrested near Salt Lake City airport, where Mr Anderson worked, for allegedly harassing him. A rope and handcuffs were in her car.

Oh, and as if this weren't odd enough a story on its own, she was once Miss Wyoming. At least all the news outlets are parroting that facoid. According to Wikipedia, however, she wasn't.

My new favorite site

Retro Thing is my new favorite site. Vintage gadgetry and the anoraks who hack it. What more could you ask for? Oh - right - Tardisses!

This one probably needs help

My ongoing fascination with the nutjobs that roam free across the intarnets led me to Vivian here. I mean, she's nuttier than a packet of mixed nuts, and that's sad. But also hilarious. I only wish she had a real blog rather than a copy of frontpage.

It's hard to know where to start - on her index page she spins a fascinating tale of immigration agents at Heathrow trying to poison her asthma inhaler, weaving colleagues and acquaintances, politicians, and movie stars into a fascinating tale with her at the center.

The issues involving Prince William's demand of me to return to London are much more emotionally complicated. An admission that an investigation was necessary, could have led to the necessity that he must pay for my flight--his worst nightmare. He sends grapevine subliminal messages through friends and co-workers attempting to lure me with jewelry and other luxuries, while reminding me repeatedly that in five years I will be forty-years-old--over the reproductive hill. His pre-impregnation demand is that I tolerate his inability to handle my obtaining one of the jobs I have been offered in my field of anthropology. For me to obtain such status would threaten his masculinity. Because I do not accept his impregnation-prerequisites, I have been called a child-hater. He is unable to relate to me and to converse with me in any way. He insists I must chase after him. I prefer to go to work. He therefore classifies me as someone who places career before family. He believes he is doing me a favor by giving me this wonderful opportunity.

Attempted poisoning is an ongoing theme with Vivian. Recently an FBI agent broke into her house (it's okay, he does that all the time. Sometimes he moves small items, sometimes he rearranges her bathroom, and sometimes he has sex with her), and poisoned her Pepsi.

10:20 pm EST
Dear Ms. You-Know-Who-You-Are;
You have until midnight Eastern-Standard-Time to turn yourself into the FBI and explain:
WHO sent you to poison my Pepsi last night,
WHAT the poison was,
WHERE you are from,
WHEN you received the assignment &
HOW MUCH you were paid.
And the next time you trespass into my bedroom, I will spit my disease into your eyes.
[. . .]
The poison induced a heart attack. I remedied it with Solaray's Tart Cherry, Econugenics' Padma, and two birth control (i.e., estrogen) pills.

So that's how you cure a heart attack, huh? Good to know.

Subliminal messages are a recurring theme as well, with frequent messages from Donald Trump (who ruined her book deal with a vanity publisher), David Duchovny, (who has AIDS and cannot attain an erection without Vivian's subliminal help), and her dead mother:

Dear Mother;

I received your message--a file named GrandpaBo on my computer, with two images of a rectangle. These, of course, resemble the shape of the frame I selected for representation of the book written about Grandpa's lifetime of research as a urological surgeon.

[. . .]

I will try to finish it in time for Mother's Day.

Just when you think it's all yuks, you get to the good stuff - she spent most of 2007 fighting agains eviction, choosing, of course, to represent hereself, and basing her entire legal defense on the premise that the lawyers representing the plaintiff were doing so without the plaintiff's knowledge. We can all guess how that ended.

Monday April 07, 2008
I lost and have been given 41 hours to leave.
My father has suddenly turned into my hero. Helping me long distance.
My computer is going into storage. I don't know when I am going to begin transmitting again.

As I read this I start to feel sorry for the poor woman. Almost.

Guaranteed Presidential Pardon
for anyone who decides to follow
Biblical directive on
any non-human who practices Wicca.
In the pre-pardon proceedings of Court,
prosecutors can only invoke
the laws which prohibit
cruelty to animals.

Did I mention she's running for president? This is her campaign platform.

We've all seen this, right?

I mean, I assumed that the whole world has now seen this clip, but it's come to my attention that this may not be the case. So here you go: Discovery's "I Love the Whole World" promo, featuring Stephen Hawking:

Just Words. My words though.

So I'm reading a review of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, because my other option would be to actually do some work, and we mustn't let that happen, and I run across a line that seems vaguely familiar.

[. . .] it’s a tragicomic musical in three acts produced and directed by Joss Whedon

Why familiar? I wrote it, as an introduction for the Wikipedia entry, replacing the original, far less legible version. The writer grabbed some more background stuff from Wikipedia, which is fine, mind you; that's what Wikipedia is for - it's just a bit strange to see your own words bounced back at you at such an unexpected angle.

They probably believe that the turtle moves, as well.

In my ongoing series extolling the biggest idiots on the intarwebs - or rather the most amusing ones, I give you the the International Flat Earth Research Society. These ones are right nutters. Unfortunately their founder, Charles Johnson, passed away about a decade ago, and the society hasn't been quite the same since. TalkOrigins has an interesting article which features the almost obligatory denouncement of science in general, and in the most up-is-down and black-is-white fashion possible:

We maintain that what is called 'Science' today and 'scientists' consist of the same old gang of witch doctors, sorcerers, tellers of tales, the 'Priest-Entertainers' for the common people. 'Science' consists of a weird, way-out occult concoction of jibberish theory-theology...unrelated to the real world of facts, technology and inventions, tall buildings and fast cars, airplanes and other Real and Good things in life; technology is not in any way related to the web of idiotic scientific theory. ALL inventors have been anti-science.

They've got some good theories, too. Of course, gravity doesn't exist, cuz a flat earth has no mass (or something). But why don't we fall off the planet? Thank you for asking. The answer is obvious, of course - we're accelerating upwards at 9.8 m/s^2, and have been forever*. They're not quite clear on why, of course. God, probably. Of course, they base their - interesting - ideas on what they consider to be a literal interpretation of the bible.

I sometimes call myself the Last Iconclast. Science is a false religion, the opium of the masses. I myself count it as a begining of Sanity to confess 'the creation proves there was a Creator' so a God or Creator...Exists. From a life-time of study, of seeking out a proving things, from the study of 6,000 years of recorded history, from observation, from experience, from Common Sense Observation, have concluded the 10 Commandments are in fact good Laws of Living and Behavior for oneself and all in contact with you.

Of course, it's commonly known that, until the end of the middle ages, the earth was widely considered to be flat. That's a lie. The earth has been known to be a sphere since the sixth century BC and even throughout the middle ages, when so much knowledge was lost, the earth was known to be round.

* 6000 years**

** At which rate we're now going six thousand, one hundred and eighty-five times the speed of light. Up yours, Einstein.

Doctor Horrible is full of win

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is exceedingly awesome. If the name itself isn't enough to convince you, please consider the following: It's a musical in three acts about a blogging supervillian wannabe, distributed exclusively over the internets.

The great equalizer

One of my favorite side effects of the internet is that it gives the loonies and the nutjobs and the schizophrenics and the outright wrong the same platform it gives the sane. Allow me to introduce you to Gene Ray and his amazing Time Cube. I'd explain it to you, but that would involve it being explainable. Allow me to quote, instead:

-1 * -1= +1 is WRONG, it is academic stupidity and is evil. The educated stupid should acknowledge the natural antipodes of +1 * +1 = +1 and -1 * -1 = -1 exist as plus and minus values of opposite creation - depicted by opposite sexes and opposite hemispheres.

When the theory you're about to read requires that you accept an entirely new concept of math, you know you're in for a ride. It gets better though.

When the Sun shines upon Earth, 2 - major Time points are created on opposite sides of Earth - known as Midday and Midnight. Where the 2 major Time forces join, synergy creates 2 new minor Time points we recognize as Sunup and Sundown. The 4-equidistant Time points can be considered as Time Square imprinted upon the circle of Earth. In a single rotation of the Earth sphere, each Time corner point rotates through the other 3-corner Time points, thus creating 16 corners, 96 hours and 4-simultaneous 24 hour Days within a single rotation of Earth - equated to a Higher Order of Life Time Cube.

Go on - check it out. You know you want to.

Santa on Santa Violence on the Rise

When Santas fight, we all win! The Amalgamated order of Real Bearded Santas is on the defense as the Red Suit Society and the Fraternal Order of Santas try to muscle in on its turf. The chairman fears for his life and has instructed his family, "that, if anyone looks like Santa, run."